Stepping out from the Shadows..

This is a post I've been thinking about writing ever since I started getting "followers" on Google+. (It's wrong to call people followers since we're all just adding each other in circles, but "circlers" just sound wrong in my head somehow.) And now that I'm having yet another night of rampant insomnia, it's a good a time as any to start writing.

Anyways.. This one is going to be rather personal (although still relating to photography), so it's time to jump ship now if you're more interested in reading about photography tips than me as a person ;)

What this is going to all boil down to is in the title. After I started selling some photos, moving "up" in the world of photography, and actually making a little bit of a name for myself via the wonderful invention of Google+ there have been several things that are very new to me.

First off I'd like to say that I'm struggeling with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and that in most of my life I've made it a skill to hide in the shadows so to speak. Ironically you wouldn't be able to guess that if you met me in real life (I have black dreadlocks and look like the run of the mill metal-head, and we tend to stick out in a crowd). But on a personal level I've been very wary of attatchments, and online I've been extremely cautious (and for some very good reasons that I won't get into here). I've always been very aware of privacy-regulations on Facebook and such sites, and not allowing any apps that can track me, or share my address / phone number and so forth. Like mentioned before; hiding in the shadows. And I've liked it that way.

But in the pursuit of becoming a known, professional photographer the style of hiding in the shadows just isn't compatible with the desired goal. I have made myself take a step into the visible world, even though it's mostly on the internet for now. This has been extremely scary for me, but also very rewarding. The amount of positive feedback, the nice words people write and just the sheer welcoming gestures I've recieved have been fantastic. The attention is, to be honest, a little overwhelming. And I always feel like I don't really deserve all the attention anyway..

The paradox is that on one side it's helping me step out of my comfort zone and makes me participate in a world I usually used to just observe from the outside, but at the same time it's also spiking my PTSD. All the attention (albeit wonderful comments, encouragement and acknowledgement) is making me feel very exposed. And even though I know (on a rational level) that it's something I'll just have to "get used to" (I tried to think of a way of saying that without making it sound arrogant, but it was impossible) I can't seem to shake how nervous it makes me. Hence writing this now, at 04:05 AM.

For those of you who (are still reading this) and might not be familiar with PTSD it all depends very much on what kind of trauma the individual has experienced in order to develop the disorder, but the end result is usually the same. And to quote Wikipedia:

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. Symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal – such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.

Basically the fight or flight response is always active, and it can be extremely exhausting.

But getting back on track, this is something I know I have to work with. And like with everything else it's imporant to know one's limits. At the same time it's important to push the limits. I guess that's why I decided to "take the plunge" and put myself more out there. And the invention of Google+ became a way for me to do that, without pushing too hard. Although when I'm having sleepless nights like this it does make me wonder if I have the courage to see it through. My first instinct is still to go into hiding again. To step back into the shadows where it's safe.

That's where love comes into the picture I guess. I love photography. Deeply. For me, it's not so much about the craft itself, or art or any fancy ideas of conveying some sort of message. It's all about trying to capture the beauty I find, wherever I find it. No doubt that my personal experiences have influenced my view of the world, and made me as cynical as I now am. But the camera is my gateway into the better parts of what is out there. It lets me see something that can make it all worth while. It let's me be creative, in my own way. And it always feels a bit safer to venture outside when you can hide behind a big DSLR ;)

And now, I don't really know if there is anything more to say about the subject. I just felt I had to write all this down. I would just like to point out that, even though being out there on the internet might not seem like such a big thing, to me it is. For me it has been a huge step, and one I'm still just inching into. One toe at a time. But who knows, maybe some day it won't be so scary and I'll have a go at the real world too?